


even though we're lost just a little, we know we're getting better

by hwaslintroller



Series: SEONGJOONG ... ?! [3]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, M/M, Not Really Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:14:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22693882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hwaslintroller/pseuds/hwaslintroller
Summary: Seonghwa sighs against the winter air, grimacing when no smoke comes out. It’s not a surprise to him that it doesn’t- heisa ghost after all- but the forceful reminder that he’s dead and gone always brings a bitter taste to his mouth.or, seonghwa is dead, trapped in the neither-nor: he has become a ghost, unable to move on but retaining all his memories from when he was alive. it's a tragic blessing that hongjoong, his boyfriend when they were alive, is the only one who can see and touch him.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Series: SEONGJOONG ... ?! [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1632400
Comments: 7
Kudos: 93





	even though we're lost just a little, we know we're getting better

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally posted on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/hwaslintroller/status/1227887206640996357)! i wrote this in a panicked hour because i didn't want to do my literature assignment love avoiding my problems like a mature person! so there might me grammatical inaccuracies even though i looked through it before posting it here so please be kind! title is taken from ateez's awe-inspiring new japanese song better <3 stream answer and remember that ateez love you! ;)

Seonghwa sighs against the winter air, grimacing when no smoke comes out. It’s not a surprise to him that it doesn’t- he _is_ a ghost after all- but the forceful reminder that he’s dead and gone always brings a bitter taste to his mouth. 

He’s leaning against the balcony, observing the street below. People are bustling, chimes mixing with laughter and jokes down on the busy intersection. It’s Christmas Eve, and people are going home to join their loved ones. Seonghwa can see their life forces, pulsating and bright, all different colours. He can tell they’re searing hot even if he can’t touch them, can’t feel any sensation. 

Suddenly he notices a glow, brighter than all the others, drawing his attention. It’s bright gold, orange and red and yellow and all the colours of the sun. But it’s also distressed, impatient- Seonghwa smiles. Of course Hongjoong would be anxious to come home, to come back to Seonghwa. People spend Christmases with their loved ones, after all. Hongjoong’s life force only glows more searingly as he approaches their apartment building, dodging through traffic and running across the street, making Seonghwa chuckle. 

_His_ Hongjoong. The only love he will ever have. Seonghwa doesn’t like to use the phrase ‘love of my life’ when describing Hongjoong to himself, because it only reminds him how much he and Hongjoong have both lost. He also doesn’t like to say ‘my boyfriend’, because that’s all they’ll ever be, not husbands, not partners for life.

Seonghwa used to be in pain- he can’t say _cry_ because he technically didn’t shed tears- asking a question no one had the answer to. Why was he still here, a neither-nor, instead of allowing his loved ones to grieve and move on? Why could Hongjoong see and even touch him when no one else could- why did the person he loved most have to endure the most suffering because of him? What could he do to escape this infinite loop? 

Seonghwa has pondered the answer these questions ever since he opened his eyes to the wailing of sirens and a white sheet covered over his body, and yet, three years- Hongjoong tells him- from now, they still haven’t gotten an answer. Honestly, Seonghwa thinks ‘they’ is a bit pompous to say, really, since Hongjoong provides for the both of them while Seonghwa just _exists_ without being able to do anything. But Seonghwa is tired. He isn’t happy, a far cry from what alive-him had imagined (a small house on the edge of the city when his modelling career took off and Hongjoong was recognized as a top fashion designer) but he’s happy _enough_ , so while he’s incredibly tired, he likes to think he’s okay. 

The sound of the key turning in the lock pulls Seonghwa from his thoughts, turning just in time to see Hongjoong enter the apartment. His hair is messy and his cheeks stained red from the wind, he’s grinning at Seonghwa and he’s the most beautiful sight Seonghwa has seen and will ever see. 

‘Welcome back,’ Seonghwa says because that’s what he’s always done even before, and it’s easy to fall into old habits like this, with Hongjoong’s familiar smile and the way he looks at Seonghwa. It’s always been easy, with Hongjoong. ‘I saw you running back from the train station.’

‘Mm,’ Hongjoong murmurs, toeing off his shoes and stepping into Seonghwa’s arms. Seonghwa wishes for the millionth time he was alive, so he could be warm for Hongjoong. ‘Missed you.’ Hongjoong says, voice muffled into Seonghwa’s shirt- there are blood stains all over it from the car crash, but Hongjoong never seemed to mind. He must be feeling a little sentimental from the festive atmosphere, Seonghwa thinks, because Hongjoong is sensitive and sentimental no matter how hard he’ll deny it. Because Seonghwa knows him. Knows his boy like the back of his hand. 

‘I missed you too,’ Seonghwa says, soft. Hongjoong looks up at him, and Seonghwa’s no-longer-beating heart skips a beat because this angle makes his long eyelashes hood his eyes, just as pretty as the rest of him. 

‘You looked so beautiful here, standing outside,’ Hongjoong confesses, face scrunching up from the cold. Seonghwa laughs lightly, steering them both inside before he replies.

‘I’ve been wearing this shirt for three years, I can’t possibly be attractive.’ It’s risky, because they’ve only just teetered into the territory where they’re able to joke about it without either of them losing it, but it’s still a minefield no matter how you look at it. How are they supposed to react to this when not any prior experience had taught them to, where what’s lost is still tangible and every step along the way is uncertain? 

Hongjoong’s eyes harden, and for a split second Seonghwa is afraid he’s said something wrong, upset the one person who matters most on the day that mattered most. But Hongjoong just smoothes his palms along Seonghwa’s torso, eyeing the shirt critically. ‘You always look beautiful,’ he says matter-of-factly, like he’s saying the sun rises from the east, and that Seonghwa loves Hongjoong. ‘Even though the shirt isn’t your colour.’ He smirks at Seonghwa, but the line of it is wobbly, like he’s scared of how Seonghwa will react- no, like he’s scared that he’ll start crying if he continues with that train of thought.

Seonghwa snorts. ‘Flattering,’ he says, catching Hongjoong’s hands in his and threading their fingers together. God, he’ll never get tired of this- how Hongjoong’s hands are so much smaller than his, but the way they fit together nonetheless. ‘Though I’m obliged to agree with you, am I? Mister Head-Designer-for-Alexander Mcqueen.’ 

Hongjoong goes bright red, and that makes him look so _cute_ and makes Seonghwa want to kiss him, so he does. ‘How did you know?’ Hongjoong demands, making Seonghwa laugh. ‘I wanted to surprise you-’

‘You left the promotion letter on your desk, babe.’ Seonghwa teases when Hongjoong whines. Seonghwa silences him with a kiss, Hongjoong still frowning when he pulls away, but apparently decided to leave it for the time being, judging by the way he gets the Determined Look in his eye and kisses Seonghwa back, hard and insistent, like he wants Seonghwa to feel the imprint of it for days despite the fact that Seonghwa can hardly feel sensation anymore, a sweet sort of pain. 

Suddenly, the deejay announces that they’re going to play a few nostalgic songs and their songs starts to play, Hongjoong raising an eyebrow at Seonghwa. Before he knows it, he’s being pulled to the centre of their living room and Hongjoong’s got a hand on the small of his back, guiding him into a slow dance. 

Seonghwa can hardly believe it- Hongjoong never likes to dance even though he’s good at it, it had always been Seonghwa dragging him to clubs and bars and begging him to dance. But there’s a glint in Hongjoong’s eye that takes Seonghwa’s breath away and it makes Seonghwa feel alive, _alive_ , like his heart’s beating again and threatening to escape out of his ribcage, like he has to mentally shove it back where it belongs before he died. 

‘Our song.’ Hongjoong murmurs, and it’s so gentle Seonghwa aches. All the feelings he’s kept stuffed inside him for three years crashes over him, all the pain and sorrow and guilt and gratefulness almost overwhelming him, because the tone of Hongjoong’s voice is no different from the Christmas eve years ago when Hongjoong had asked Seonghwa to date him. How Seonghwa had almost cried because Hongjoong distinguishes his likes and dislikes so clearly, and the way he’d looked at Seonghwa was like he was the only thing Hongjoong will ever like from then on. 

‘Hongjoong,’ he says, and maybe it’s because of how often Seonghwa’s voice breaks when he talks, but Hongjoong doesn’t react, not immediately at least. ‘I’m sorry,’ _I'm sorry for dying and leaving you alone. I'm sorry for bringing so much exhaustion and pain on you. I'm sorry I've continued to be a burden even after I was supposed to leave._ Seonghwa finds himself saying, voice going too high, ‘You don’t deserve this-’

‘No,’ Hongjoong says, fiercely, loudly, as if trying to drown out Seonghwa's thoughts with the volume of his voice. His gaze is so intense Seonghwa looks down. ‘No,’ Hongjoong repeats, and his fingers are at Seonghwa’s chin, tilting his head up to meet Hongjoong’s eyes. ‘It wasn’t your fault, and it isn’t your fault. You know I don’t do anything unless I mean it, and you’re worth everything I do for you, okay?’ 

Seonghwa swallows, blinks back absent tears. ‘Okay.’ he whispers, and Hongjoong smiles, the curve of it gentling his features. They sway slowly in the middle of the room and Hongjoong doesn’t say anything when Seonghwa lowers his head onto Hongjoong’s shoulder, despite their height difference making it hard to move.

Neither of them know what _this_ is- whether this will be their forever or if it’s temporary, whether Seonghwa is still existing, whether they’ll get an answer, if there even is an answer. Seonghwa knows that, but he also knows that even though they’re crossing a rough sea, they’re braving the currents _together_. They sway to a stop and Seonghwa holds Hongjoong where they stand, together, intertwined. He thinks, maybe, they’ll be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are much appreciated!!  
>  **please consider leaving a comment so fic writers don't think they're posting for nothing!! please give me some feedback if you will!!**  
>  i hope you enjoyed this fic and have a nice day!!
> 
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